Jokes

JokesJokes Funny Bones

REPEAT OFFENDER

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him.
"Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't
I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly
what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"

* * *

CATHERINE'S RESUME

Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job,
so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read:
"Your resume was not attached as stated.
I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

***

FLAT ON HIS FACE

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your wheelchair down there again!!'

***

COFFIN

Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

* * *

ADVERTISING WORKS

Two businessmen were having lunch, and the conversation tirned to how slow business had been.

"Well, is your advertising getting results", asked Simon, the first business owner.

"It sure is," replied larry, the second. "Last week we advertised for a night watchman and the next night we were robbed."

* * *

MUSINGS

When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a Diamond Dealer...

Boy, am I glad that never worked out!

I mean, hundreds of people pass by me each day -

And not one ever asks to buy a diamond!


* * *

ART SHOW

Beth goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Beth walks over to the artist and says,
"I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
Beth responds, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

* * *

CELL PHONE

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and one of them engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I found this beautiful leather coat at the mall. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the new models. There's one I really like."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$60,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price make sure it has all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . . . the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

* * *

THE HELPER

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place, involving the man, his wife in the car and the officer....

Man: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth already!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

* * *

HOW FAR WOMEN HAVE COME IN KUWAIT

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous!" she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

* * *

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

* * *

DANGEROUS PARROT

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

* * *

BILL GATES VS GM

At a recent computer expo, to highlight the superiority of computer technology, Bill Gates is supposed to have made the following comment:

"If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to a gallon of gas."

Not to be outdone, General Motors then issued the following press release:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. When your car has a mechanical problem and you call your mechanic (i.e. "tech support"), a non-human voice gives you 87 different menu options. After you choose one, you are put on hold and forced to listen to George Gershwin’s Greatest Hits. After a wait of 45 minutes, the line mysteriously disconnects, and you have to start the whole process all over again.

4. Occasionally, your car would shut off for no reason; you would simply accept this, restart it, and drive on.

5. Every once in a while, when you used your left turn signal, your car would shut down and refuse to restart, requiring you to reinstall the engine.

6. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

8. To shut off the engine, you’d press the start button.

9. When driving into a gas station that you have been going to twice a week for years, you will suddenly find that it has disappeared. In the now vacant lot will be a sign that states "404 error – Gas Station Not Found." However, if you wait five minutes, and drive around the block, you will find that the gas station has magically reappeared.

* * *

MISGUIDED HIKERS

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the hikers complained.

"And you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."


* * *

EXTREMELY LOYAL FAN

There was a Packers fan with a really bad seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

* * *

GOLF CONTEST

The Chief Rabbi of Israel, upon meeting the Pope, challenged him to a friendly game of golf.

The Pope and his College of Cardinals were worried how it would look to his image, on the chance the Pope would lose.

One Cardinal suggested, being that Jack Nicklaus was a devout catholic, they should appoint him to be a Cardinal and send him as the Pope’s representative. Everyone present happily approved this plan.

The day after the match, Cardinal Jack Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "YOU came in second to the Chief Rabbi of Israel?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to his representative, Rabbi Tiger Woods."

* * *

THE THREE WISHES

Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a genie popped out. he said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."

Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, just having the time of my life." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fireplace together." Just like that, he disappeared.

The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"

He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide..."

* * *

ASSASSIN FINAL SELECTION TEST

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"You don't have what it takes" the CIA replied, "Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all heck broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

* * *

NATIVE AMERICAN TRADES

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"



* * *



CHANGE YOUR COURSE NOW

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

* * *

THE WIFE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, always treat him with love.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.



* * *



THE ARTIST

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"Thats wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."



* * *



THE BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT...

The next time you're having a bad day, just think you're lucky you're not this guy!

This is an actual bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board:

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.


* * *


SUBJECT: THE MYSTERY OF THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their Beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new wife, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to develop an odor.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his new wife stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home -- including the curtain rods.


DON'T YOU JUST LOVE A HAPPY ENDING?

***

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

Because he finally found the nerve.

***

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump.

***

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

***

FACT: 68.3% of all statistics are made up.

***

Ask Dogbert

(From The Dilbert Newsletter)

Dear Dogbert,

When I order wine at a nice restaurant, the server hands me the cork. What am I supposed to do with the stupid cork?

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

This is your opportunity to show off your fine breeding. Confidently grab the cork and sniff daintily with one nostril while inserting a finger into the other nostril, up to the second knuckle. If the cork's odor is agreeable, take a bite of the cork and chew it while shuddering in delight. Then grab your throat, bug out your eyes, and make a choking noise. Grab a pen and write "Heimlich Maneuver" on a napkin and wave it for help. When no one offers to help, throw yourself over the back of a chair, land on your sternum, and spit cork debris in the direction of anyone who appears to be reaching for a disposable camera to record your death. Then sit back down and say to the server, "Very good."

Sincerely,

Dogbert

***

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the hus­band left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the fol­lowing day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email ex­pecting messages from relatives and friends~

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted~

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are al­lowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was. -

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

***

Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure that he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure that the professor wasn't looking. Then he then turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so dumb. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No.2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O

***

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can do math and those that can't.

***

One evening, just outside Golders Green, a fire starts inside Shmatta Ltd, the leading clothing factory in north London and within minutes becomes a fierce fire.
As soon as the first fire engine arrives on the scene, Jason goes over to the firemen and says, "Please. I’m the chief executive of this factory. All our next season’s designs are in my office in the centre of the building. They must be saved. I’ll give you £25,000 if you can save them."

Even though the thought of the money encourages the men to take risks, the strong, hot flames keep them from going inside. When two more fire engines arrive, Jason shouts out that the offer is now £50,000 to the team who saves the design files.

Then, from the bottom of Golders Green Road, a single siren is heard and a fourth fire engine comes rushing up the hill towards the fire. From the initials on the front, HJVFC, everyone knows it’s from the Hendon Volunteer Fire Company, whose members are all over 65. But how can they possibly help? To everyone's amazement, the old-fashioned HJVFC fire engine doesn’t stop outside the building but drives straight into the middle of the fire.

As everyone watches, the elderly firemen jump down from their engine and begin fighting the fire with unbelievable energy and commitment. Five minutes later, the men from HJVFC have extinguished the fire and save the
secret designs. Jason keeps to his bargain and writes out a cheque to HJVFC for £50,000. He then personally thanks each one of the elderly fire fighters and in particular, Moe, the 75 year old head of the team.

Jason asks him, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," says Moe, "the first thing ve are going to do is fix the brakes on our run down fire engine."

***

ART THIEF

In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van ran out of gas and he was captured. After the incident, a reporter asked the would-be thief what had happened.

He replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

***

"THE RULES" - THE GUYS SIDE OF THE STORY

Subject: The rules

Finally, the guys side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

12. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

14. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

17. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

19. You have enough clothes.

20. You have too many shoes.

21. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

22. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

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